I guess, loneliness brings you to a certain point where you start to think deeply on things, its been nearly a year (well 8 months now), time flies by so fast especially when you are in a far away from your comfort zone (or I should call it home), you pick up new things, adapt to it, take the essence, and it goes on until god knows when.
I am aware that i chose this path because i wanted it to be this way, i never wanted to blame anyone for the wrong or right decisions that i made. I felt that every decision that i made somehow needs sacrifice, either its private or public.
I admit I'm the kind of person who cannot make decision fast (well at least not in a couple of minutes and it depends on what kind anyway,i wouldn't use my time think over what i would have for dinner), i have to think it over and for I am just another common human being, i am imperfect.
I like to try new things, but then again sometimes i consider too much which will make me end up to stay in one spot. I get bored, well i guess every human does, i just need to feel excitement to live I cant live in boredom or else i would probably die in self depression. new things are just much more exciting to do because its full of surprises, and i love surprises.
Ok, well you can see that since the first paragraph of my life i wrote here starts with the word "I" (does that make me a self-centered human being? well ill leave it to you) i consider this blog as my own private-public diary anyone can read, who cares, you wont know either if this is right or wrong. it could be ambiguous though, cos in the end I'll get back to the real life and start another chapter of life, i consider this as an evaluation, and real life as the real scene.
everyone i meet is just a figure to complete the story a tool for me to understand the abstract of my own life, some leave, some stay, some give excitement, some give boredom. i don't know which part i play in other scene of peoples life, but i try to keep my self real. do my part with my best.
In this part of my life i would have probably faced the most horrifying moment in this chapter, I don't know, but i start to think things more positive (well at least trying so hard to!) its hard to accept things sometimes, i think thats what you call the process of maturity (i don't even know if i have reached that point yet or not). Believe it or not, things weren't that easy for me, to get to this point i did have to sacrifice lots of things, and being far away from my significant others is "one" of the thing, to some of you it might not be important, but I to me it does really. But the sacrifice i did also enabled me to earn lots of new things, good or bad, i still earn them, its a life skill that i consider really precious, i hope to be tougher by that.
Right now im in the tip of my last chapter of book of life, i seriously don't know what lies beyond, i don't know how i should feel? excited? sad? happy? im not sure", i guess its all mixed up, im not able to define the feeling, i hope it will come back soon, if probably any enemy would attack me i think this is the best time, but then again since i can not define my feelings, i couldn't even feel pain so.. i don't think im making any significant point here.
My blog is starting to get boring, i could just waste my time to write about what i did last week, BBQ party, Keukenhof visit, Birthday party at friends, Carousel carnival, Progress of my Final Project, people i love, people i hate, people i met, random people, strangers; but it just seemed less appealing recently to me. may be ill start again later. Ill remember to rite them down when im in the mood, ill put pictures on the way.
This seems weak but what i really want rite now is to be close to my lover, i guess i miss him, but its impossible, i think its rather selfish to not reconsider the actual circumstance, if i were irresponsible i could just end all this and start a new chapter, but then it isn't very thoughtful, and indirectly i'm putting my self in a position of being ignorant,which means that i lose in fighting my emotions, but hey what can i do? i made a commitment and all i want to do is stick to it, anything that could describe me so far is an empty bottle which once was filled with pure water. But this empty bottle managed to refill itself on the way, weather it sweet, bitter, or sour . Im a lonely bottle who wishes to find a spring when i get home. I wont forget that i am the same bottle who I used to be, but maybe with a lot more experience.
p.s. i miss you somewhere out there, you know who you are.
